my blog is my bestfriend.

La Llorona - Beirut has been constantly stuck in my head.
La Llorona - Beirut has been constantly on repeat.
La Llorona - Beirut has been constantly making my life.
La Llorona - Beirut has been constantly cheering me up.

anyway.
this weekend had its pros and cons.

the pros.
friday night at about 9 went to church and went to let it shine gymnastics at 11.
laser tag and ice skating at 2 am.
bowling at 4 am.
came home at 6:30 am and slept til 7 pm.
saw sam and austin.


the cons
tried desperately to not talk to you.
tried desperately to get you off my mind.
tried desperately to hang out with you.
tried desperately not to talk about you around sam and austin.


i am nothing anymore.
i am just dust in the wind. (yes, i just pulled a song reference. i'm a fag i know.)
i wish you would understand the magnitude of my attachment to  you. it's ridiculous. i mean even if you did know, you'd just be like "what the fuck nikki, stop being so fucking overbearing." i mean...idk i put myself in that vulnerable ass position and let you read bits of my blog that were ABOUT you. i mean, it's not like you knew that. i mean, it's not like you cared anyway. you were just trying to be a good friend, which failed btdubs. i just want to hug you. i want to fall asleep on you again :/ i want to know that you actually care and weren't lying to me all of those times. whatever.
i took the heart from your name.
i deleted those meaningful messages.
i will no longer think of you.
okay that last one's a lie, i will think of you, but i'm trying not to.


i will never learn, will i?
i will never succeed at anything, will i?
i will never be loved, will i?
i will never be "sexy", will i?
i will never be "romantic", will i?
i will never manage to stop thinking of you.


i love you...
honestly...
and i don't even know why.