Just letting anger out.

You're so full of shit.

No wait, you’re full of yourself. You think you can have any fucking girl you want; well, news flash…you can’t. I’m happy I rejected you and I’m mad that you asked me out for the third time while I was stoned. I’m glad we’re through. I hope I never have to speak to you again, to be honest. All you did was bitch about my friends. All you did was tell me you loved me. You can never hold a legitimate conversation. I don’t know why you do the shit you do, but I can’t take it anymore. Yeah, your father died, but really…you can’t use that excuse for everything. I wish you were insightful and musically inclined. I wish you understood that girls can’t be fucked around with like you want. All girls are are emotions. There’s nothing more to say. We mean what we say and say what we mean. I told you I cared for you, and I meant that. I still do. I fucking saved your ass from suicide and you think I don’t care? I don’t care, when you’re the one telling all your friends, “Oh, man I was so stoned. I don’t even care that we’re dating.” The only things you’re good at are lying, cheating, stealing, sweet-talking, manipulating, and persuading. I forgot to mention being stupid. You’re going to be a freshman for the third year in a row, how does that make you feel? How do you feel thinking about all of your friends actually becoming something in their life time and you sitting there doing K2 your whole life? How does it feel to know that when I am older, I will be successful, I will have someone to love, and I will not remember you? I’ll remember your name, of course, but not the things you said, because to me all the things you said were insignificant. I really do care for you and I hope you get your act together, but I know it won’t happen. You can’t take back all the mean shit you’ve said. You can’t take back that felony that will be beside you your whole life. You will more than likely be the cause of a homicide that could have been prevented, simply because you stole your step-dad’s guns. I really will be the only girl that ever understood your simplicity. I’m the only one that will see right through you. I’d warn the others, but why cut them slack when I got the most shit? You cuss out your teachers because they tell you your hair is slightly out of place. You beat up kids for no reason whatsoever. You’ll probably be going to juvenile soon, and no matter how many times I promised to write, I won’t. I won’t because I don’t want you to think you ever, ever have a chance with me again. I don’t need to be caught up with your delinquency. If I continued to be with you, I would surely have gray hair by the time I’m 20. Anyway, I’m writing this not in hopes that you’ll see it, but in hopes of making myself forget you easier. It’s been nice knowing you.
P.S: I do love you, but not enough to put up with all of your bullshit.
Love always,
Nikki.

updates//photos etc.

New car. Named it Pika. '05 Chevy Cavalier.
Lost friends gained new ones.

These pictures should explain my past couple of weeks.

Needless to say, I've had such a good time this past month. March is always my favorite month other than my birthday month. I don't know why and I probably never will know, but I always have the best of luck during March.

I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.

I LOVE MY FRIENDS SOOOOOO FUCKING MUCH :3 I wish they understood what I would go through to help them. Probably hell, well I don't know if I'd go that far...

officially

POSITIVE.
this weekend sucked due to my negativity.
i am officially optimistic.

(:

my blog is my bestfriend.

La Llorona - Beirut has been constantly stuck in my head.
La Llorona - Beirut has been constantly on repeat.
La Llorona - Beirut has been constantly making my life.
La Llorona - Beirut has been constantly cheering me up.

anyway.
this weekend had its pros and cons.

the pros.
friday night at about 9 went to church and went to let it shine gymnastics at 11.
laser tag and ice skating at 2 am.
bowling at 4 am.
came home at 6:30 am and slept til 7 pm.
saw sam and austin.


the cons
tried desperately to not talk to you.
tried desperately to get you off my mind.
tried desperately to hang out with you.
tried desperately not to talk about you around sam and austin.


i am nothing anymore.
i am just dust in the wind. (yes, i just pulled a song reference. i'm a fag i know.)
i wish you would understand the magnitude of my attachment to  you. it's ridiculous. i mean even if you did know, you'd just be like "what the fuck nikki, stop being so fucking overbearing." i mean...idk i put myself in that vulnerable ass position and let you read bits of my blog that were ABOUT you. i mean, it's not like you knew that. i mean, it's not like you cared anyway. you were just trying to be a good friend, which failed btdubs. i just want to hug you. i want to fall asleep on you again :/ i want to know that you actually care and weren't lying to me all of those times. whatever.
i took the heart from your name.
i deleted those meaningful messages.
i will no longer think of you.
okay that last one's a lie, i will think of you, but i'm trying not to.


i will never learn, will i?
i will never succeed at anything, will i?
i will never be loved, will i?
i will never be "sexy", will i?
i will never be "romantic", will i?
i will never manage to stop thinking of you.


i love you...
honestly...
and i don't even know why.

i know

i am overreacting to little shit.
but i've decided, there's no need to be attached to you anymore.
as of tonight, i will detach myself from you and hopefully we will be friends
if not it will kill me, but i can't live with this anymore.

today my grandmother died, 8 years ago.
that was the hardest thing for me ever.
its funny how two of the hardest things happen on the same day.
i love how i'm crying throughout this blog. i'm a strong person can't you tell?
hah, barely. i'm weak and insignificant to everyone.

the only person i care for right now is melissa.
she's the only one making me smile.
i know she probably hates hearing all my dramatic shit and what not, but it feels good knowing i can have someone to cheer me up. today was good but tonight turned to shit. my mom thinks i smoke.
i have been crying for almost an hour now. awesome way to end the day right?
i mean it's not like you give a fuck. who would give a fuck? i'm just nothing here.
i put on an act everyday to make sure people don't question me. i don't like being questioned.
i don't like being vulnerable. i put myself in that vulnerable spot and now you won't talk to me. i refuse. i FUCKING refuse to ever be vulnerable again. that is why i never used to do it because this has happened before. almost the exact same situation. but not. you were much kinder, you played the caring act all too well, you also played the "I am here for you, I swear" act. i give you props. your acting is better than anyone i've met so far. i know i sound hostile, but i am. i am reaking of hostility. i want to leave nashville. i want to leave tennessee. i want to forget everything. i want to no longer be me.

the fucking end.

THA-ROO.

done done done.
completely done.
losing you will be the worst thing that could happen to me,
but i will get through it. i will manage to erase every last memory of you.
i've done it before and i will do it again.

contemplating going anti-social?
sounds kinda good.

anywho maybe for lent i can give up being social.

we tigers.

ah, believe it or not, today was good in all it's simplicity.
i'm getting sick.

listening to animal collective makes me happy, despite it's awkward bridges and non existant choruses.
some idiot crashed into the irs building in austin, texas today.
so much for getting a car by the beginning of march...

paint a picture with your eyes

i'm really that pathetic.
i curse the day you were born. i will forever worship your birthday. however, if you grow too old i'll become afraid of what comes next. if i am afraid of what comes next, then how will i live spontaneously? how will i survive without enthusiasm? can i live without that light? the light of spontaneity, that is. that is which i feed off of. although, not really. i tend to feed off of pessimism more than anything. i want to live life to its full potential, but if i do, won't there be consequences? won't there be some sort of obstacle i'll have to overcome? there's no possible way that living life to the fullest is that easy.

as hard as i try

i never seem to be happy.
you never seem to be happy.
i'm really fucking trying here. i'm trying my hardest. i can't even believe i'm letting this get to me. i'm better than this. i'm better than you. you don't understand how much i need you. you are officially one of my vital organs. i know i'm fucking weird, but it's true. without you i'd have close to nothing. you don't tell me anything anymore. i'm getting sick. i'm slowly fading. the green grass is no longer green. the ocean no longer moves for you. the clouds no longer float for me. the trees no longer sway for us. i am me and you are you. two completely different people with completely different ideas on life. i wish i could know your ideas and you could know mine. but telling you this would be a complete waste of my time. i'd only get a pathetic response like, "ok" or "cool", which would just ruin me. what are we but specs of dust lost in time? we can be nothing, yet be everything at once. i wish i could understand. i wish you could understand. but as of now, i'll be posting these ridiculous blogs that mean nothing.

i am

me.
i am nicole annette neeraas. sixteen years old.
clingy. overanalytical. obnoxious.
i don’t understand why the hell i get attached to people. i rarely do, but when i do it’s a vicious neverending cycle of me constantly putting myself out there to get them to shed some light. to get them to explain to me what’s on their mind. i want to dig their minds. find something out about me i never knew just by looking through their eyes. i want to show myself i can be something. i want to prove to myself i am better than i think. i want to show everyone i am stronger than i really i am. i don’t want to fail them. i don’t want to fail him. i don’t want to fail you. i want you to be there for me forever and eternity. i want to forever be in your thoughts. i want to be engraved on your heart. i wish i could be there for all of you. for every second of your troubles. i wish i could tell you how i truly felt. how i truly think. i wish i could explain to you my thoughts. i wish you would understand. i am a creep. i am a fucking creep. i will never leave your side. i will turn you against everything you stand for just so i can speak to you. i will make you hate everyone. i will make you hate me. i am no good. i am horrible. i could be the best you’ve ever known. i could be the best change. i could be a blessing in disguise. i could be your worst nightmare. your biggest fear. your greatest worry. if only you knew. if only all of you knew. if only you all would understand i don’t care about you and what you say. if only you all would understand i DO care about you and what you say. i hate people. i love people. all in all i love you. i love you. i love you. you i love. i could say it forever. if i could say it in every language known to man, i would. if i could say it every second of my life i would. however, i fear if i say it too much it will become nothing but three words. useless to me. useless to you. i don’t understand. i cannot be any good. i am finished.

i'm not sorry for not posting.