POSITIVE.
this weekend sucked due to my negativity.
i am officially optimistic.
(:
my blog is my bestfriend.
Posted in on 9:44 PM by mynamewasslop
La Llorona - Beirut has been constantly stuck in my head.
La Llorona - Beirut has been constantly on repeat.
La Llorona - Beirut has been constantly making my life.
La Llorona - Beirut has been constantly cheering me up.
anyway.
this weekend had its pros and cons.
the pros.
friday night at about 9 went to church and went to let it shine gymnastics at 11.
laser tag and ice skating at 2 am.
bowling at 4 am.
came home at 6:30 am and slept til 7 pm.
saw sam and austin.
the cons
tried desperately to not talk to you.
tried desperately to get you off my mind.
tried desperately to hang out with you.
tried desperately not to talk about you around sam and austin.
i am nothing anymore.
i am just dust in the wind. (yes, i just pulled a song reference. i'm a fag i know.)
i wish you would understand the magnitude of my attachment to you. it's ridiculous. i mean even if you did know, you'd just be like "what the fuck nikki, stop being so fucking overbearing." i mean...idk i put myself in that vulnerable ass position and let you read bits of my blog that were ABOUT you. i mean, it's not like you knew that. i mean, it's not like you cared anyway. you were just trying to be a good friend, which failed btdubs. i just want to hug you. i want to fall asleep on you again :/ i want to know that you actually care and weren't lying to me all of those times. whatever.
i took the heart from your name.
i deleted those meaningful messages.
i will no longer think of you.
okay that last one's a lie, i will think of you, but i'm trying not to.
i will never learn, will i?
i will never succeed at anything, will i?
i will never be loved, will i?
i will never be "sexy", will i?
i will never be "romantic", will i?
i will never manage to stop thinking of you.
i love you...
honestly...
and i don't even know why.
La Llorona - Beirut has been constantly on repeat.
La Llorona - Beirut has been constantly making my life.
La Llorona - Beirut has been constantly cheering me up.
anyway.
this weekend had its pros and cons.
the pros.
friday night at about 9 went to church and went to let it shine gymnastics at 11.
laser tag and ice skating at 2 am.
bowling at 4 am.
came home at 6:30 am and slept til 7 pm.
saw sam and austin.
the cons
tried desperately to not talk to you.
tried desperately to get you off my mind.
tried desperately to hang out with you.
tried desperately not to talk about you around sam and austin.
i am nothing anymore.
i am just dust in the wind. (yes, i just pulled a song reference. i'm a fag i know.)
i wish you would understand the magnitude of my attachment to you. it's ridiculous. i mean even if you did know, you'd just be like "what the fuck nikki, stop being so fucking overbearing." i mean...idk i put myself in that vulnerable ass position and let you read bits of my blog that were ABOUT you. i mean, it's not like you knew that. i mean, it's not like you cared anyway. you were just trying to be a good friend, which failed btdubs. i just want to hug you. i want to fall asleep on you again :/ i want to know that you actually care and weren't lying to me all of those times. whatever.
i took the heart from your name.
i deleted those meaningful messages.
i will no longer think of you.
okay that last one's a lie, i will think of you, but i'm trying not to.
i will never learn, will i?
i will never succeed at anything, will i?
i will never be loved, will i?
i will never be "sexy", will i?
i will never be "romantic", will i?
i will never manage to stop thinking of you.
i love you...
honestly...
and i don't even know why.
i know
Posted in on 9:52 PM by mynamewasslop
i am overreacting to little shit.
but i've decided, there's no need to be attached to you anymore.
as of tonight, i will detach myself from you and hopefully we will be friends
if not it will kill me, but i can't live with this anymore.
today my grandmother died, 8 years ago.
that was the hardest thing for me ever.
its funny how two of the hardest things happen on the same day.
i love how i'm crying throughout this blog. i'm a strong person can't you tell?
hah, barely. i'm weak and insignificant to everyone.
the only person i care for right now is melissa.
she's the only one making me smile.
i know she probably hates hearing all my dramatic shit and what not, but it feels good knowing i can have someone to cheer me up. today was good but tonight turned to shit. my mom thinks i smoke.
i have been crying for almost an hour now. awesome way to end the day right?
i mean it's not like you give a fuck. who would give a fuck? i'm just nothing here.
i put on an act everyday to make sure people don't question me. i don't like being questioned.
i don't like being vulnerable. i put myself in that vulnerable spot and now you won't talk to me. i refuse. i FUCKING refuse to ever be vulnerable again. that is why i never used to do it because this has happened before. almost the exact same situation. but not. you were much kinder, you played the caring act all too well, you also played the "I am here for you, I swear" act. i give you props. your acting is better than anyone i've met so far. i know i sound hostile, but i am. i am reaking of hostility. i want to leave nashville. i want to leave tennessee. i want to forget everything. i want to no longer be me.
the fucking end.
but i've decided, there's no need to be attached to you anymore.
as of tonight, i will detach myself from you and hopefully we will be friends
if not it will kill me, but i can't live with this anymore.
today my grandmother died, 8 years ago.
that was the hardest thing for me ever.
its funny how two of the hardest things happen on the same day.
i love how i'm crying throughout this blog. i'm a strong person can't you tell?
hah, barely. i'm weak and insignificant to everyone.
the only person i care for right now is melissa.
she's the only one making me smile.
i know she probably hates hearing all my dramatic shit and what not, but it feels good knowing i can have someone to cheer me up. today was good but tonight turned to shit. my mom thinks i smoke.
i have been crying for almost an hour now. awesome way to end the day right?
i mean it's not like you give a fuck. who would give a fuck? i'm just nothing here.
i put on an act everyday to make sure people don't question me. i don't like being questioned.
i don't like being vulnerable. i put myself in that vulnerable spot and now you won't talk to me. i refuse. i FUCKING refuse to ever be vulnerable again. that is why i never used to do it because this has happened before. almost the exact same situation. but not. you were much kinder, you played the caring act all too well, you also played the "I am here for you, I swear" act. i give you props. your acting is better than anyone i've met so far. i know i sound hostile, but i am. i am reaking of hostility. i want to leave nashville. i want to leave tennessee. i want to forget everything. i want to no longer be me.
the fucking end.
THA-ROO.
Posted in on 8:54 PM by mynamewasslop
done done done.
completely done.
losing you will be the worst thing that could happen to me,
but i will get through it. i will manage to erase every last memory of you.
i've done it before and i will do it again.
contemplating going anti-social?
sounds kinda good.
anywho maybe for lent i can give up being social.
completely done.
losing you will be the worst thing that could happen to me,
but i will get through it. i will manage to erase every last memory of you.
i've done it before and i will do it again.
contemplating going anti-social?
sounds kinda good.
anywho maybe for lent i can give up being social.
we tigers.
Posted in on 5:18 PM by mynamewasslop
ah, believe it or not, today was good in all it's simplicity.
i'm getting sick.
listening to animal collective makes me happy, despite it's awkward bridges and non existant choruses.
some idiot crashed into the irs building in austin, texas today.
so much for getting a car by the beginning of march...
i'm getting sick.
listening to animal collective makes me happy, despite it's awkward bridges and non existant choruses.
some idiot crashed into the irs building in austin, texas today.
so much for getting a car by the beginning of march...
paint a picture with your eyes
Posted in on 12:58 AM by mynamewasslop
i'm really that pathetic.
i curse the day you were born. i will forever worship your birthday. however, if you grow too old i'll become afraid of what comes next. if i am afraid of what comes next, then how will i live spontaneously? how will i survive without enthusiasm? can i live without that light? the light of spontaneity, that is. that is which i feed off of. although, not really. i tend to feed off of pessimism more than anything. i want to live life to its full potential, but if i do, won't there be consequences? won't there be some sort of obstacle i'll have to overcome? there's no possible way that living life to the fullest is that easy.
i curse the day you were born. i will forever worship your birthday. however, if you grow too old i'll become afraid of what comes next. if i am afraid of what comes next, then how will i live spontaneously? how will i survive without enthusiasm? can i live without that light? the light of spontaneity, that is. that is which i feed off of. although, not really. i tend to feed off of pessimism more than anything. i want to live life to its full potential, but if i do, won't there be consequences? won't there be some sort of obstacle i'll have to overcome? there's no possible way that living life to the fullest is that easy.
as hard as i try
Posted in on 12:32 AM by mynamewasslop
i never seem to be happy.
you never seem to be happy.
i'm really fucking trying here. i'm trying my hardest. i can't even believe i'm letting this get to me. i'm better than this. i'm better than you. you don't understand how much i need you. you are officially one of my vital organs. i know i'm fucking weird, but it's true. without you i'd have close to nothing. you don't tell me anything anymore. i'm getting sick. i'm slowly fading. the green grass is no longer green. the ocean no longer moves for you. the clouds no longer float for me. the trees no longer sway for us. i am me and you are you. two completely different people with completely different ideas on life. i wish i could know your ideas and you could know mine. but telling you this would be a complete waste of my time. i'd only get a pathetic response like, "ok" or "cool", which would just ruin me. what are we but specs of dust lost in time? we can be nothing, yet be everything at once. i wish i could understand. i wish you could understand. but as of now, i'll be posting these ridiculous blogs that mean nothing.
you never seem to be happy.
i'm really fucking trying here. i'm trying my hardest. i can't even believe i'm letting this get to me. i'm better than this. i'm better than you. you don't understand how much i need you. you are officially one of my vital organs. i know i'm fucking weird, but it's true. without you i'd have close to nothing. you don't tell me anything anymore. i'm getting sick. i'm slowly fading. the green grass is no longer green. the ocean no longer moves for you. the clouds no longer float for me. the trees no longer sway for us. i am me and you are you. two completely different people with completely different ideas on life. i wish i could know your ideas and you could know mine. but telling you this would be a complete waste of my time. i'd only get a pathetic response like, "ok" or "cool", which would just ruin me. what are we but specs of dust lost in time? we can be nothing, yet be everything at once. i wish i could understand. i wish you could understand. but as of now, i'll be posting these ridiculous blogs that mean nothing.
i am
Posted in on 12:03 AM by mynamewasslop
me.
i am nicole annette neeraas. sixteen years old.
clingy. overanalytical. obnoxious.
i don’t understand why the hell i get attached to people. i rarely do, but when i do it’s a vicious neverending cycle of me constantly putting myself out there to get them to shed some light. to get them to explain to me what’s on their mind. i want to dig their minds. find something out about me i never knew just by looking through their eyes. i want to show myself i can be something. i want to prove to myself i am better than i think. i want to show everyone i am stronger than i really i am. i don’t want to fail them. i don’t want to fail him. i don’t want to fail you. i want you to be there for me forever and eternity. i want to forever be in your thoughts. i want to be engraved on your heart. i wish i could be there for all of you. for every second of your troubles. i wish i could tell you how i truly felt. how i truly think. i wish i could explain to you my thoughts. i wish you would understand. i am a creep. i am a fucking creep. i will never leave your side. i will turn you against everything you stand for just so i can speak to you. i will make you hate everyone. i will make you hate me. i am no good. i am horrible. i could be the best you’ve ever known. i could be the best change. i could be a blessing in disguise. i could be your worst nightmare. your biggest fear. your greatest worry. if only you knew. if only all of you knew. if only you all would understand i don’t care about you and what you say. if only you all would understand i DO care about you and what you say. i hate people. i love people. all in all i love you. i love you. i love you. you i love. i could say it forever. if i could say it in every language known to man, i would. if i could say it every second of my life i would. however, i fear if i say it too much it will become nothing but three words. useless to me. useless to you. i don’t understand. i cannot be any good. i am finished.
i'm not sorry for not posting.
i am nicole annette neeraas. sixteen years old.
clingy. overanalytical. obnoxious.
i don’t understand why the hell i get attached to people. i rarely do, but when i do it’s a vicious neverending cycle of me constantly putting myself out there to get them to shed some light. to get them to explain to me what’s on their mind. i want to dig their minds. find something out about me i never knew just by looking through their eyes. i want to show myself i can be something. i want to prove to myself i am better than i think. i want to show everyone i am stronger than i really i am. i don’t want to fail them. i don’t want to fail him. i don’t want to fail you. i want you to be there for me forever and eternity. i want to forever be in your thoughts. i want to be engraved on your heart. i wish i could be there for all of you. for every second of your troubles. i wish i could tell you how i truly felt. how i truly think. i wish i could explain to you my thoughts. i wish you would understand. i am a creep. i am a fucking creep. i will never leave your side. i will turn you against everything you stand for just so i can speak to you. i will make you hate everyone. i will make you hate me. i am no good. i am horrible. i could be the best you’ve ever known. i could be the best change. i could be a blessing in disguise. i could be your worst nightmare. your biggest fear. your greatest worry. if only you knew. if only all of you knew. if only you all would understand i don’t care about you and what you say. if only you all would understand i DO care about you and what you say. i hate people. i love people. all in all i love you. i love you. i love you. you i love. i could say it forever. if i could say it in every language known to man, i would. if i could say it every second of my life i would. however, i fear if i say it too much it will become nothing but three words. useless to me. useless to you. i don’t understand. i cannot be any good. i am finished.
i'm not sorry for not posting.
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